The following is a parody of MTV’s “Real World.” For those unfamiliar, MTV takes seven strangers and sets them in an unknown city together. From there they are simply taped, as they live. There are also a number of "confessionals" in which a member of the house descusses a situation or house member into a private camera. This appears in RED


Beast: This is the true story
She-Hulk: Of seven Avengers
Sandman: Picked to live in a mansion
Thor: And have their lives taken
Photon: To find out when Avengers stop being heroes
Northstar: And start getting real
Wasp:

The Real World: Avengers!

Episode 1

“A day in the life of an Avenger”

[Downtown New York, upscale apartment]

Director: So tell the audience why you think the producers chose you Miss Walters?

[Continues to pack] She-Hulk: I...think the producers chose me because I’m such a strong woman, and was such a valued member of the Avengers of the past.

Director: Uh-huh anything else?

[shrugs] She-Hulk: Weeeelllll...I’m let you in on a little secret. This helps Tony Stark out a lot. The guy who owns the mansion.

Director: What do you mean?

She-Hulk: [whispers] He drinks you know.

Director: Really.

[nods] She-Hulk: Well it’s not something we like to talk about. But this’ll give him back some of the money he spends on alcohol. Rumor is he spent more money on alcohol in a year then those sextuplets in Texas spent on food in three.

Director: That’s a lot! But are you sure that’s the reason you were chosen? This is MTV after all.

She Hulk: [Signs] It’s because I have big boobs isn’t it?

Director: Yes.

She Hulk: I thought so.

*********************

Wasp: My name is Janet Van Dyke, I’m one of the founders of the avengers and I’m thrilled to be a part of the Avengers Real World.

Director: It’s wonderful to be able to talk to you Miss. Van Dyke, or is it The Wasp?

[Continues to fill bags full of cloths and shoes] Wasp: Janet is fine..... [mumbles to herself] now what shoes would go with my red bag?

Director: So why do you think MTV chose you to be in Real World Avengers.

Wasp: Does this belt match this hat or these earrings?

Director: I wouldn’t know, do you think perhaps you were chosen because of your maturity?

Wasp: [face flushed] What do you mean by that?! That I’m old?! That I’m the grandma of the group?! Let me tell you something you *$!?. Turn that *$!@? *#$? camera off you *#&! of *&!?* #$*!@? a !@*?!!

Director: What’s a !@*??

Wasp: What’s a !@*?? I’ll tell you what a !@*?? is you piece of yellow $%#!@* Do you know how many millionaires I’ve @#!$*%? Do you &*#@!$? [continues shouting]

Director: I think I know why they chose you.

*********************

Director: So you’re Thor?

Thor: Aye.

Director: Do you know why MTV chose you?

Thor: Aye. I’m a God.

Director: A god?

Thor: Aye, the God of Norse thunder and lightning. Keeper of the mighty Hammer. Founding member of the Avengers, and Earth’s greatest champion!

[Fumbles] Director: Yes, do you think perhaps it could be because your a large beefy blond, that brings in a healthy percentage of the female population?

Thor: [Sighs deep] Aye, that to.

Director: Bingo.

********************

Director: Now your an interesting pick aren’t you Sandman? You use to be an old villain of Spider Man correct?

[Leans back in his chair and breaths deep into his cigarette] Yeah, those were the old days. You understand I’m a changed man now.

Director: I’m delighted to hear it. Any idea why MTV chose you?

[Thinks for a moment] Sandman: I think it’s because I’m a strong man that always speaks his mind. Also because I’m unbeatable!

Director: Oh? Then the rumor that you were once beaten by a vacuum cleaner isn’t true?

[Raises up] Sandman: What did you say? You want a piece of my power?! Don’t you know I can control sand!?

Director: I withdraw the question.

Sandman: That’s a good idea.

*********************

Director: Sitting here with you now is an honor Mr. McCoy. Or may I call you Hank?

Beast: Just don’t call me Susan!

Director: Uh...OK fair enough. So why did MTV chose you to be part of Real World Avengers?

[Doing a quick back flip] Beast: Isn’t it obvious? I’m the furry Avenger! The one the women love to cuddle with, and men love to envy!

Director: Uh huh. What do you hope to get from this experience?

Beast: I hope to gain a better understanding of my fellow teammates, and
hope to become closer to them all.

Director: You want to get laid don’t you.

[Shakes head] Beast: You have no idea.

Director: Been a while?

Beast: Yesterday I caught myself staring at the Blob’s breasts before we beat him.

Director: Wow, that’s a long time.

Beast: You have no idea.

Director: Thank God.

*********************

Director: I appreciate you seeing my Miss. Photon.

Photon: Just Photon please.

Director: Photon, any idea why you were chosen by MTV?

Photon: I think it was because I’m a strong black woman, a positive role model for minorities in the minority.

Director: Now were you surprised when they called you, seeing how you haven’t been a member of the Avengers in such a long time?

Photon: I don’t want to talk about that.

Director: Ok, then perhaps people may recognize you better by your past code name Captain Marvel.

Photon: Do you want to get your !@$% kicked?

Director: I beg your pardon?

Photon: I let you come in here and instead of you mentioning the fact that I’ve saved the world time after time, you mention the two sore spots in my career!

Director: That’s not what I meant to imply.....

Photon: Oh I know what you meant to imply. This is a hand out to the poor workless black woman!

Director: I least I didn’t mention the size of your Afro when you were team leader.

Photon: [silence] Get out.

*********************

Director: Now your a most unusual choice for Real World Avengers. Any idea why you were chosen Northstar?

Northstar: Because I’m gay.

Director: Is that right?

Northstar: Every Real World has a gay member. I’m it....that and Hank Pym refuses to acknowledge his sexuality.

Director: Really?

Northstar: Yep.

*********************

[Inside Avengers Mansion]

[She-Hulk enters] She Hulk: Helllloooo? Anybody home? Cap? Clint? Jarvis?

[Thor enters] Thor: She-Hulk! Verily does it do my heart good to see such beauty inside mine eyes!

She-Hulk: Ah yeah....

Thor: Heroes and Heroines together again! Feast of victory for all thy comrades! Asgard rejoice!

She-Hulk: All right that’s enough of that?

Thor: Whatever do you mean?

She-Hulk: No you....him!

Thor: Who?

She-Hulk: Him! The writer!

Chris Hatfield: mmmMe?

She-Hulk: Yes you! Listen kid if your going to write this thing, you’ve got to give Thor a normal voice. Listening to that Aye and thy crap for four issues is going to kill me! Why do you think I left the Avengers?

Chris Hatfield: All right I see you point. It’ll make him easier to write I guess.

She-Hulk: There you go.

Thor: Ey? Oh? Wats go’in on hea?

She-Hulk: What are you doing?

Chris Hatfield: Me? I thought I would make Thor stand out, by giving him a New York accent.

Thor: Forget a’ bout it!

She-Hulk: Do you think just because I don’t have pictures I can’t throw a fit? Huh? $$$$&&&***###***#*#*#*#* Do you want a issue full of symbols? Huh? I thought not. Then FIX IT!

Thor: Is something wrong She-Hulk? You look troubled.

She-Hulk: [sighs] Nothing’s wrong not anymore. So who’s the other member of this little pow-wow?

[Photon enters] Photon: I guess that would be me! Knock knock!

She-Hulk: Monica!

Photon: Hey girl!

[She-Hulk and Photon hug briefly.]

Photon: Hey big guy, how’s it hanging?

Thor: Down around my ankles, thanks.

Photon: Oh, I just bet! So are we the only ones here?

[Wasp enters] Wasp: Not quite!

Photon: Janet!

She-Hulk: It’s an eighties Avengers reunion!

Wasp: Just about! Hello Thor.

Thor: Hello Janet. Where’s Hawkeye and Iron Man?

Wasp: That’s about all we need, so were do I put my stuff?

[Sandman enters] Sandman: Just don’t put it in my room!

Wasp: Ack! Who invited you?

Sandman: MTV, the same as you. They have good taste.

Photon: At least in women....and Gods.

Thor: Thank you. I know he ain’t sleeping in my room. I have allergies.

Sandman: Wimp. That’s fine I’ll bunker down with Shulkie.

She-Hulk: Don’t call me that! The only one who can ever call me that is Ben Grimm.

Photon: Who you like!

She-Hulk: I do not!

Wasp: Please you only warship him! Besides who else is there Wyatt Wingfoot?

She-Hulk: I don’t know he could be sweet at times. Not like he could ever handle me!

[Sandman whispering to Thor] Sandman: Hey blondie, if the other two come in looking as good as these three I may never want to leave!

Thor: Your pathetic you know that don’t you?

Sandman: Nope, just looking to get a slice of avenger chics.

[Enter Beast and Northstar] Beast: I hope you don’t take that stand for all your roommates Sandy.

Sandman: Well, if it isn’t the mutant marryman! And Beast!

Northstar: Funny Sandyman. Better watch out I may have to find Jarvis’s vacuum.

Sandman: Watch it now.

She-Hulk: Hank! So your the six member....and Northstar?

Northstar: I’m gay.

She-Hulk, Wasp, Photon, Thor, Sandman: Aaaahhh!

Sandman: Huh?

*********************

[All seven sitting around a table eating dinner]

Photon: I think we need to decide who gets what chore.

Wasp: Chores? I’m sorry but I won’t be doing any chores!

She-Hulk: We all have to pitch in Janet.

Wasp: I don’t care. I’ll fight robots, and madmen, and monsters, but I’m not doing any...

Photon: Dishes. Clean them every other night.

Wasp: I refuse.

She-Hulk: Ok, then how about you set up the table at night, and help clear them away at night. OK?

Wasp: I guess I can do that. Provided I don’t have to touch any dish water. But who does the cooking?

Thor: We take turns. But I vote Sandman do something else.

Beast: Unless we want sandwit.....

Sandman: Don’t say it! I’ll keep the trash in the house to a minimum.

Beast: That just leaves the cooking.

Photon: Jennifer and I cooked tonight, and Wasp and Sandman will be doing other things for the house.

Thor: I can cook. I learned a few things in the past couple hundred years.

Northstar: I bet! That just leaves Hank and I. I have to problem making a meal with Beast’s help.

Sandman: That just leaves the um...sleeping arrangements. I vote Co-Ed!

Photon: I vote you stay in the back yard with the rest of the creatures that crawl on their belly.

Sandman: That hurts girl. I was an Avenger once just like you. Now if you would want to take a look at my underside.....

Beast: Back to your cells gang. We’re all friends here.

Wasp: Well, there are five bedrooms available so the best way to do this is to see that I get a bedroom all to myself!

Sandman: Why do you get a bedroom to yourself?

Wasp: Because I’m a founding member, and the most fragile! I’ve never had a roommate and I get up early, and get up in the middle night....

She-Hulk: All right! You can have a room by yourself and Monica and I will room together.

Photon: Sounds good to me. That just leaves two rooms. But Thor said he wouldn’t stay in a room with Sandman.

Thor: Correct.

Sandman: I’m hurt blondie!

Beast: I’ll stay with Sandy. Just keep the sand out of my bed....and my fur.

Sandman: Same to you. I’m not a littler box.

Thor: I guess that leaves you and me Northstar. I’m game if you are.

Northstar: Oh, I’m game all right [leans a whispers to Beast] Thank you so much.

Beast [whispers] You owe me big.

Photon: Well things might just start getting interesting, now Janet, clean off the table!

Wasp: [getting up] I believe I ever agreed to this.

She-Hulk: I can’t believe we got past out first meal without fighting.

Photon and Sandman togeher: Yet!

Beast: I can’t believe Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper.

**********************

[Inside She-Hulk and Photon’s bedroom]

She Hulk: So what do you think?

Photon: About what?

She Hulk: The dinner.....the guys they chose for us silly!

Photon: Oh, I don’t know Thor has always been cute.

She-Hulk: To many muscles....but the blond hair makes up for it.

Photon: You know who I think is sexy?

She Hulk: If you say Sandman....

Photon: No fool! Hank McCoy.

She Hulk: Really I never saw that before.

Photon: I don’t know there’s something about him. His mind and all that. Plus the humor. And those eyes.

She Hulk: Still the fur.....

Photon: Is sexy! Besides your green!

She Hulk: Well I’ll tell you on thing. It’s only a matter of time before somebody in this house gets together.

Photon: I think it’ll be you and Thor......or Thor and Northstar!

She-Hulk: I know can you believe it! It’s kind of weird having him around. I mean we know nothing about him and he’s so quiet.

Photon: Well, lets see what happens in the next couple of weeks. A lot could happen, especially with Sandman around.

She-Hulk: Pervert.

Photon: Tottaly girl.

*********************

[Inside Thor and Northstar’s bedroom]

Northstar: Now your sure your not weirded out by this.

Thor: I said I wasn’t at dinner. Should I be?

Northstar: No, no. It’s just some people are. Sandman for instance.

Thor: You have to take Sandman with a grain of.....

Northstar: Sand?

Thor: Ha! Yeah a grain of sand!

*********************

[Inside Beast and Sandman’s bedroom]

Beast: [singing] Mr. Sandman! Give me a dream.....put me in dream land and.....

Sandman: Hank! Beast! Please I’m begging you. Let me get some sleep!

Beast: Sure thing rommie.

Sandman: Thank you.

[moment of silence]

Beast: Night John Boy.

Sandman: Go to hell.


Next issue rumors fly, talk is cheap, find out just who is really gay, and you won’t believe what happens to Wasp and Sandman! Plus the first of the confessionals! All in the next Real World: Avengers!!